Yes, No, Maybe So: "Real Steel"

Mackie say

"Hey Hey Hey, Hugh Jackman is in the house!!!"

Real Steel opens in October 2011. A weird time for a summer movie to open. Except that it's a parody of a summer movie and not an actual summer movie, right? Right. Thought so. What? It's not? ohno. LOLZ

In Shawn Levy's Real Steel, Hugh Jackman builds giant boxing robots to carry on in his manly sweaty boxing footsteps. He now runs a boxing club for robots or something. Or maybe he just visits and trains them? Anthony Mackie plays some sort of mic-wielding emcee.

(omg. please let him battle Eminem again as, like, a cameo subplot. That'd be so sweet.)




So let's give Real Steel the Yes, No, Maybe So™ Film Experience trailer treatment.

Yes. Moments worth watching in the Real Steel trailer: Hugh Jackman in slo-mo;  Hugh Jackman talking. Close up of Hugh Jackman sweaty chest hair in black and white; Hugh Jackman punching the air; Hugh Jackman wearing a hoodie; Hugh Jackman "resting" on the pavement (ouch); Hugh Jackman  Paparazzi!; Hugh Jackman "this is what it's all about!!!"; Hugh Jackman with remote control; Hugh Jackman in sunglasses; Hugh Jackman with sad face; Hugh Jackman shouting "Bring It!!!" no, wait. Nix the last part. He was trying too hard to be cool. That wasn't right. That's the take they used?

No. I don't wanna get too literal about this -- literal is lame when it comes to summer spectaculars -- but the premise doesn't work even by the standards of stoopidity. The popularity of Transformers aside, the reason people like watching boxing is because of the flesh but mostly because of the blood. It's a visceral animalistic thrill to watch people beat each other to (near) death. If there's no flesh and no blood why would feverish bloodthirsty crowds show up? Or is it like strictly the monster truck demolition derby crowd they're after and not a four quadrant kind of thing? (But even then there are actual people in the machines that might get squashed: therefore drama.)  The concept would make more sense if the robots were like androids... but then this would also be a really gross trailer and the movie would be rated R and you can't have that anymore. 

Maybe So. When you have the buffer of a movie star you love, braindead movies can be fun. Unless the dumbness makes the star look bad or like said star is trying too hard and then it just becomes sad.

Please don't try too hard Jackman. Please don't shout "Bring it!" any more. Or maybe whisper it or sing it if you're contractually obliged to deliver the line. That is all.
____- Signed, a concerned Jackmaniac

P.S. ...who would really like you to do a movie musical before you are 80 years old. WHEN?! Stop making stupid movies.
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Two Men We Love

Both of whom need better movies but whatever. Ewan at least is doing okay for himself this year. The Ghost Writer is excellent and I Love You Phillip Morris opens soon. (Finally)

Hugh Jackman Ewan McGregor

What if "Australia" Had Ended Here?

On this very day in 1939, Australia's Northern Standard incorrectly assumed that The Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman) and her Drover (Hugh Jackman) had both perished in the Kuraman Desert!

Newspapers. They've always had it rough; The second you publish something it's ancient history.

Just as soon as this news was making the rounds the lady and her cattle driving man, rode into town in a cloud of triumphant dust and defeated their main rival. They won! Celebratoryparties, long delayed lovemaking and a return to the now thriving Faraway Downs followed.  After a short orgiastic montage of Australia's natural beauty (the country's and the movie's), the epic movie ends with a speech by the young narrator Nullah (Brandon Walters)

Just like Drover say 'that rain make everything come alive.' The land it grow green and fat and we all go back to Faraway Downs. Mrs Boss happy. Drover Happy. 

I hear for the first time that thing called Christmas. Then the rain, it stops. And then Drover, he go droving. The Mrs Boss, she always misses Drover. But I know, he's going to come back.

How perfect are these golden shots as closing romantic images?

Only there's no closing. The epic movie didn't end there, not on October 29th (and the cattle drive was already quite a movie) or with Nullah's first Christmas. Or even after the Drover went a-drovin' again, an amusingly brief montage which consists only of this leaving and returning, beautifully illustrating a family falling into its future pattern.

But there's a lot more adventure, World War II adventure, coming. There's roughly sixty more minutes of it. I've often thought that had Australia wrapped up with that three shot shown above and this clear romantic narrative about the formation of a family (after one hour and forty-three minutes of a rousing western adventure), the critics and audiences might have been kinder. Wasn't Australia's main sin only that it was desperately overstuffed, that it didn't trust that one adventure, one tone, or one lead character arc was enough and it had to pack in at least a few of everything? Sometimes less is more, even for gorgeous sun-kissed epic that aspire to the mythic.

Australia came out two years ago and though two years isn't a long time, you rarely hear people discuss this one anymore. Have any of you watched it recently? If you haven't seen it since its premiere, what is your most vivid memory of it?
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Darren Aronofsky: To "SNIKT!" Or Not To "SNIKT!"

Y'all. I am so worried about the continued reports / rumors that Darren Aronofsky is making a superhero picture next. First they said he wanted the Superman reboot that now belongs to Zach Snyder. (Great, just what traditional placid loveably corny Superman needed... a tricked up slo-mo enthused "hip" director. Yikes!) Now, Vulture reports that Aronofsky is close to signing for Wolverine 2: No Longer Forced Into Awkwardly Origin Titling (2012).

Drawing by John Romita Jr. | Darren Insert by Moi

I realize that the Aronofksy/Weisz NYC lovenest probably doesn't come cheap. And I realize that after 5 straight winners showcasing your visual originality, gift with actors, and massive cojones, anyone would be tempted to cash in. But how exactly is that going to look on the filmography? Is he just hoping to get the acclaim that Chris Nolan has from the public by going more mainstream? (If you ask me he's a better director than Nolan but Nolan makes high tech sci-fi/superhero movies so naturally he's a million times more beloved.) Will this sequel be an unsightly blemish or am I just worried because of the permanent scarring from the 100% joy-free X-Men Origins: Wolverine?

Best Case Scenario: On the plus side the only way is up. Wolverine's Japanese detours in the comics are among the hero's most intriguing and could offer enormous possibilities for visual triumphs. Plus, if Aronofsky's filmography to date is any indication he is incapable of making a movie as dull as the first Wolverine, in which no action sequence could raise a pulse because nothing was ever at stake with invincible / indestructable people in every corner. In fact the only sequence that had any electric snap was the watery escape but that was entirely the fault of the mighty power of Naked Hugh Jackman and consider: Aronofsky got more indelible star mojo from that man when forcing him into pajamas and a bald cap.

So maybe it'll be great to see Jackman reinvigorated as an actor within his signature character? It is hard to give a bad or lazy performance in a Darren Aronofsky movie... and they're obviously comfortable with each other via The Fountain. Presumably a director is choosy about which actor he'll direct making love to his longtime girlfriend onscreen.

To make a long story short, this movie is bound to look rosy in comparison to the first Wolverine. And if anybody deserves some safety cushion funding for their next few weirdo projects, it's Aronofsky. So why not cash in?

 Two Face: The Fountain and Wolverine

Worst Case Scenario: The homogeny-loving power of both suits and fanboys sap most comic book projects of any chance at originality and specificity, so what if Aronofsky's artistry is violently sucked from him, the tragic victim of status quo vampirism? What if he makes his first dud? That'd be so sad.

It's true that I haven't seen Black Swan yet and it's true that many people hate The Fountain (but you can't exactly knock it for being generic, can you?) so perhaps I protest too much. But from The Wrestler to Black Swan to... a sequel to someone else's vision?

I worry.

Maybe you don't. Are you already salivating to see the claws come out again or just to see this director/star pair reunited?